Reproductive reflections (probably overly complicated)
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time… maybe because it seems incredible to me that I haven’t realized these reflections before, maybe because it seems incredible to me that I have arrived at them and that I am, as they say, thinking outside the box… but at the same time, I think I shouldn’t forget them and that’s why I’m making them public (like everything else one makes public).
A few days ago I had to make the decision to sterilize my dogs, whom anyone who knows me even a little knows I have a perhaps strange relationship with, in terms of their care and the place they have in my life… but that’s a story for another day… the thing is, I have to confess that it has been one of the most difficult decisions… perhaps because it is one of those permanent ones that cannot be changed if one does not like the result (otherwise it would be very easy).
So I had to think a lot because it caused me so much conflict that my dogs wouldn’t reproduce. I would rate myself as the worst nurse on the planet, I can’t stand blood, simple stories of painful events make me lose color in my face, bloody scenes on TV made with ketchup make me unable to sleep… so I had the perfect excuse to get rid of attending the birth and care of puppies, and I felt bad. Why the hell?
I was terrified that something would happen to Penny given that a pregnancy/birth always carries risks, especially in a small breed and short-nosed dog, why would we still want to subject ourselves to that stress… why did I cry for a week when I decided we weren’t going to have puppies… it wasn’t that I wanted to sell shih tzus… the experience of having puppies… even though it’s not the same, I’ve had two and already in the phase where they’re really cute but they take care of themselves much more… win win… there would always be more cute dogs from other dogs, my dogs weren’t the only ones in their litters, there’s always someone who knows how to breed dogs better than you, etc etc etc… why the hell couldn’t I stop crying because they weren’t going to have puppies?
Then looking at my dogs I realized that it hurt me that despite all the advantages there wouldn’t be a little piece of them left, that they are so beautiful, unique, that a puppy would have been leaving a part of them to continue with that beauty that I see in them (yes, yes, the crazy dog lady I know but I’m going somewhere)… and then in those moments when the craziness of life mixes in, talking to someone who has recently decided not to have children (human) I asked myself why (so many whys) if she is one of the people I know who cares most about the world and helping to make it a better place, in addition to having many talents… one would think she’s someone who should reproduce…
And that’s when I realized… to want to have children in this world you have to love yourself very much (those who even think about it, who don’t have children by accident or unexpectedly, or those who have “overcome” that instinct that we are all supposed to have to continue the species), you have to love yourself so much to be convinced that leaving a part of yourself would be something good for the world, that it’s worth leaving someone to continue running with the same torch and at the same time having the confidence that you have the ability to transmit that desire for the world to be better…
I clearly am not a mother, nor is there any hope that I will be one in the short term and that will make many people say that I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about and they’re probably right… but I think for the first time I understand that until that self-love and that conviction that one is here is something good is reached… one can’t see that leaving a little bit of that something is also good… and that’s what makes all the sacrifices and life changes (that I don’t know about) worth it.